Starting again

Back again. I was off track - again - and whenever I think about how much better I felt when I was meditating and doing other practices, I vowed to start again. Being calm and even-tempered is much better than being moody. Instead of meditating just in the evenings, I am, as of this morning, doing a morning and evening meditation. This is important for when we go overseas for volunteering. Culture shock and loss of conveniences will be eased if I feel better internally. I fully intend to do a morning and evening meditation while away. I have never been a morning person, but when away I expect we will get up early and go to bed early.

I would dearly love our placement to be in Thailand or Cambodia due to the population being mainly Buddhist. However, hub who is the actual volunteer feels drawn to helping in Africa. I guess his vote wins.

Next weekend I will be on my own and will do a Day of Mindfulness. I did this the last time hub was away in London and it went quite well for a first try. So I'll take advantage of this and do so again.

I'm re-listening to Quiet Mind podcasts while I'm driving. They do make me think and re-focus.

The need to argue and be right

Well, I've extricated myself from an online *news* forum that had been taking up too much of my time for the last couple of weeks. Don't know why I want to debate unwinnable topics with people who are so ignorant....homophobes, those against smoking bans, evangelicals, bush supporters. Certainly didn't help me toward my goals of peacefulness and mindfulness. The amount of ignorance, bigotry, hate and just plain stupidity is astounding, although I don't know why it surprises me. I will admit to having a bit of fun with good sarcastic retorts. And I did enjoy reading many highly intelligent and articulate posts.

But that's it. I've logged out and won't go back on.....

Why?

sigh....I should be reading my Thich Nhat Hanh books, re-listening to podcasts, and meditating...probably coming up with more mindfulness days (or blocks of time). What am I doing instead? I'm arguing with people on the internet. And it's arguments I'll never win...just banging my head against a brick wall. What is the point of talking to narrow-minded people, like fundamentalist christians, homophobes, smokers who are against a ban on public smoking, Bush supporters, and people who think pagans have no rights. I'd say it's a total waste of time, except that I am *in the moment* when I argue with these brainless sheep....ok, ok....not a good excuse...

Back again.....

Haven't been doing my practices....no excuses but trying not to condemn myself either. As they say, just pick yourself up and start again.

My meditation mat is still in it's usual place and I'll be sitting tonight. Will consolidate the most helpful Quiet Mind podcasts into one CD to listen to in the car. I always feel more motivated and ready to get back on track when I listen to these.

How my mindful day went....

Well, I didn't make it the whole day but for a first try I think I did well.

No tv, no radio, no computer -- those were the toughies. Started feeling withdrawal by early afternoon. Almost gave in but instead kept busy - mostly mindully - doing chores, tidying, cleaning. Yes, my mind wandered but I usually remembered to bring it back to what I was doing. It's easy to do so when I'm reorganizing something because I do have to think about what I'm doing. Sorted several kitchen cupboards. It's incredibly difficult to do chores slowly when I'm used to do them as quickly as possible. Attempted not to think about what I'd be doing next, just to think about what I was doing right then.

The weather was crap today so I never got a nice, long, mindful walk in the woods. I do have a clean house though! The long, hot soak in bubblebath was quite pleasant and relaxing.

Had dinner at about 6pm and by then I was tired and felt a strong need for some input. So I played the dvd about Thich Nhat Hanh that I'd never finished watching. After that I watched a couple of shows on tv and it wasn't until 9pm that I turned on the computer.

Day of mindfulness this weekend

Well...husband took a trip to London to visit his daughter so I've got my day of mindfulness coming up this Saturday. As someone who is addicted to the internet and having the tv on in the background, this is going to be a definite challenge. I'll be doing this day as suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh. Music is allowed but only if I'm just listening to music and doing it mindfully. Talking is to be avoided for a beginner unless it can be done totally mindfully. So I'll keep this to a short chat on the phone with hubby, and probably a brief hello to passersby if the weather in dry enough to go for a walk on my favourite trail.

Doing chores slowly and not with the mindset to get it over it as quickly as possible will be another challenge. I intend to do several sessions of meditation. Healthy food only and not too heavy. A long soak in the tub as suggested.

I try to wash my dishes slowly and mindfully but always find it tough. I try to get it done so that I can do what I'd rather be doing....have a cuppa tea, watch telly or get on the computer. So since I won't have anything to rush to do on this day I'll probably find it easier. I'll be doing quite a bit of reading - all of it on Buddhism - one of my many TNH books.

Sigh

Aye, I admit to having seriously lapsed in my practice. I haven't forgotten though. I still try to focus on mindfulness. Meditation is only occasional. I'm sure something that keeps from progressing is the fact that Buddhist practices bring up things I've buried and would rather forget. Of course, I can't. They are there regardless if I practice or not. I feel they are a huge block to my finding peace.

Everyone says meditation should never feel like a chore, or something to get over with. So I'm not pushing myself to do it.

Still listen to the Quiet Mind podcasts when there are new ones. Those always help keep me focused. I sometimes re-listen to them while I drive. I think I'll put together a CD of my favourite ones, the ones that energize me and really make me think.

I'm looking forward to my husband being gone on a long weekend trip to see his daughter. Then I can do my 'day of mindfulness'. I find it easier to meditate when he is not here.

Decisions.....

I've quit an expat forum that I've been on for almost 5 years and it's sad because I made many friends there. I admit to being a net-aholic, especially forums. But I found I spent far too much time there, much of it unconstructive and simply a way to procrastinate. I could have been reading, meditating, doing constructive things. I didn't intend to join another forum but was tempted by a group of fellow members who had also quit (long story) and joined a new site. Trying to limit my time but will have to get tough and if I see I can't limit my time to something reasonable, I'll just have to quit.

Reading a book on Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn. It seems quite in depth...more than a simple self-help book. Anything by TNH is always brilliant.

A day of mindfulness

In one of Thich Nhat Hahn's books he suggests setting aside one day a week to be totally mindful. One needs to be alone to do as he suggests it - no talking when one is still new at this. So this would be extremely difficult for people who don't live alone - especially someone with children.

I plan to do this when my hub goes to visit his daughter in London soon. I'll have several days to myself so I can also extend it to the other days when I'm not working. TNH suggests doing chores slowly and mindfully and enjoying them, not doing them quickly in order to get them done and overwith. Other ways to spend the day include slowly taking a bath, mindfully drinking tea, eating, reading, going for a walk, gardening. This will mean for me leaving the computer off. I will do extra sittings as well.

Keeping on track....

I'm trying not to beat myself up over slacking off with my practices. Not being consistent with meditation even though I feel calmer when I do. I also forget to do those daily practices such as observing my behaviour and judgments, etc. I've got all the Quiet Mind podcasts on CD in my car and since I spend at least 5 hours a week driving alone in my car it's an ideal time to listen to them again. It's easier to stay focused when I listen to them. I've also downloaded lots of Zencasts to listen to in the car. Right now I'm reading a Thich Nhat Hanh book about mindfulness and have a pile more of his books and others to read.

Two trips are coming up in the next few months and I'm letting myself be distracted by these as well as doing extra workouts and dieting in order to lose weight.

Going to meditate now.

A new meditation area

I've moved my meditation area to a different room and I've also made in the same room a quiet reading area for the books on Buddhism I've got waiting to be read, and the new ones I've ordered. I'll be away from the computer and the tv.

A few thoughts...

Began meditating again yesterday. I feel so much better - focused, calm, less irritable - when I meditate regularly.

I re-listened to some good podcasts which always gets me going in the right direction again. One mentioned that when we are fearful (or worrying) we are not being mindful, not living in the moment. We are wasting time, missing out, not living when we do this. I've realized that as a fearful worrier all my life that I've wasted years and years of my life! It's difficult to remember to be in the present at all times, but it's a goal worth trying for.

Right.....get back on track!

Been on a 3 week holiday. Perfect opportunity to practice mindfulness or observing my behaviour and reactions and judgments. But.....

There were a few times when I remembered to stop and think 'I am walking through the streets of Paris' or 'I am tasting this or that and thoroughly enjoying it'.... simply being in the moment. Should have done it more often! But I didn't, so I'll just start fresh again.

Been a bit off track.....

I've been letting other things come first when I shouldn't. I really have no excuse.....I don't even work full-time or have kids at home. My nature is undisciplined and I shouldn't condemn myself for it but it's hard not to. I've been busy with long hikes, guests, planning an upcoming holiday(s). But there really is no excuse not to meditate at least once a day. I feel better and more focused when I do. I enjoy meditating but sometimes I look at it like a chore...or more like something that will pull me away from the internet or tv.

Just need to get back on track. I've got a zillion podcasts to listen to, books to read...etc. Did some walking meditation with friends over the weekend and we all found it very calming. Will also have to find a way to meditate while on a 3 week holiday, even if not in the proper posture.

Which tradition of Buddhism?

I've been wondering since I still don't know enough about each tradition of Buddhism if I'd been thinking I was following Zen when I wasn't. The monk at the abbey last weekend thought the podcasts I listen to and find so helpful weren't Zen. As far as I can find there are two schools of Zen, but at this point I don't care. It is possible to be an independent Zennist. Certainly Thich Nhat Hanh is not either of these schools. His path, from the opinions I've read, is his own type of Zen - Vietnamese mixed with other philisopies as well as Engaged Buddhism. His focus on mindfulness is what draws me the most.

So, I posted this query to E-Sangha and the opinions were basically the same. Don't worry about whether what I'm doing is specific to a certain tradition. Most people start out with Zen. Just go with what I'm doing now, but instead of sticking with Zen only books, look a bit into the other traditions. I'm comfortable now with Zen terms and meditation. I don't care what brand of belief system the podcasts are...I've found them extremely helpful and will continue to listen to and practice what is taught.

Years ago I thought about coming up with my religion....just choosing what I find is right for me and following it, no matter what belief system it came from. The person insisted I couldn't do that. Well....why the hell not? I don't intend to do that now, but I'm likely to not follow any specific branch to the letter. Of course it will be Buddhist because I see how right the basics feel to me.

Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey

Returned from my first retreat this evening. It was well worth the trip. Even though I usually feel anxious in a new type of environment and being with many people I've never met, I gained much through this visit. The retreat is the introductory one - from late afternoon on Friday to after lunch on Sunday.

There were 19 of us of various ages attending. As I expected from the type of people who would attend a Buddhist retreat, all... emm..well almost all... were quite friendly and open.

The schedules were quite full which I found exhausting, but there was always time to have a cuppa tea and a stroll around the lovely grounds. Included in the weekend was meditation instruction and many sessions of meditation, help with finding the right posture for meditation, walking meditation, lectures, discussion sessions with tea and biscuits, working meditation (with various chores), attending services with the monks and novices, spiritual counseling if desired.

Meals were fabulous vegetarian fare! Our dinner Friday night was social (talking allowed) and our last meal - Sunday lunch - was also social. The rest of the meals were silent and very mindful. I quite enjoyed bowing....bowing to the food, to each other, to the altars, in the ceremony hall to the cosmic Buddha... Something very centering about stopping to bow....

I was quite pleased that we had our own cupboards for our belongings including one in the bathroom. We all slept in the big ceremony hall with a curtain down the middle dividing the men and women. Not bad except that the fold up 'mattress' we used was a bit narrow and short so that rolling over or spreading out was a challenge. The 6 am rising wasn't as torturous as I expected it to be and both mornings I was up 5 or 10 minutes before 6 to get a bit of a head start (but then so were most of us!)

An unusual thing I noticed was that many of the people there looked 'familiar' to me...like I'd seen them before, which I knew I hadn't. Some of the monks, many of the participants looked like someone I'd seen before. I'm sure there's some deep meaning in there somewhere about us all being interconnected, but I can't explain it.

I benefited from this retreat by receiving confirmation that I'm going in the right direction, by finding the right meditation posture and technique for myself, by finding out that a retreat a couple of times a year is fine...that regular attendance at a sangha or meditation group is helpful but not mandatory in order for me to make progress. I feel more focused now and am determined that nothing will stop me from meditating every single day, even if only for a short time.

My first retreat

Heading to Throssel Hole Zen Buddhist Abbey for the weekend for the introductory retreat. Can I get up at 6am and can I keep my gob closed for extended periods of time?

http://www.throssel.org.uk/

Bad karma?

I'm wondering about this concept of karma. Am I being denied inner peace because of bad karma? Because of bad things I've done in my life? Am I now being repaid and is there a way to redeem myself? If reincarnation is true, I know I'm definitely on my first life because I certainly didn't get it right....well...not yet anyway. Buddhists, however, have the concept of rebirth which is not the same as reincarnation as far as I can understand. Still a bit heavy for me and I'll look into deciphering this later. I'm still in nursery school here!

The movie Defending Your Life most certainly made me think. They used the concept of fear as to when you get to move forward and finish your earthly incarnations. When you prove yourself courageous, you move to heaven. Interesting.

(on a totally unrelated note....I've realized that if my gran was still alive she'd be 99 years old today).

Lapse

Had too long a lapse in my meditation.... so easy to get off track. Anyway, last night I went to bed and fell asleep for a very short time. Then I awoke and it felt like I'd been injected with adrenalin! Tried deep slow breathing but it didn't help. Finally went to sleep after nearly two hours. I don't wake up refreshed very often.

Meditated this evening and will do my best to do so every single day. The retreat is a week from Friday.

What would Thich Nhat Hanh do??

Sometimes when I'm complaining about someone hub will ask me 'what would Thich Nhat Hanh do or think'? It took awhile to make the connection, but I just remembered the ridiculous 'What Would Jesus Do' phenomenon in the US. So, should I start a 'What Would Thich Nhat Hanh Do?' bumper sticker and tshirt business?? (just kidding) But it actually is a good thing to remember when I'm having a hard time with something or someone. He just exudes peace and mindfulness!

The bus ride

This morning I needed to take my car to the garage and leave it for the day. Instead of going into town with hub and having him drive me back home, I took the 40 minute bus trip back. After dropping off the car, I went to the gym for a long workout and good stretch, did a bit of shopping, had lunch, then caught the bus home. I hadn't been on the bus for several years. I began to read my book but found it too difficult with the bumpy roads, etc... Decided to just look at the scenery, homes and new lambs in the fields. The idea of taking the bus seemed like a chore to me and was surprised to find myself quite enjoying it. I really looked at what we were passing and sitting up higher meant I saw things I hadn't noticed before, at least not in a very long time.

I noticed the sparkles on the water when the sun peeked out, some homes I don't remember seeing before, and of course the new lambs. Looking across the water with many sailboats out and thinking what a lovely scene it was nearly took my breath away. As we went down my road which is nearly a 5 mile drive to our home after the turn off, I thought about how when I'm driving it I think about how much further I've got to go, how I wish I was home already, how I'm famished or desperately need a cup of tea. I often notice how pretty the scenery is, especially on a sunny day, but this was different. I looked at a row of houses and was able to see over the tops down to their gardens on the water and the house being rebuilt with the stone I like and I felt a rush of joy thinking 'this looks new to me...it's brand new' even though I saw it all every single day.

Carpe diem!!

Meditation positions

I'm reading Taking the Path of Zen and it give descriptions and drawings of stretches which can be done to make meditation postures easier and to help one to be able to do the full lotus position - the most stable of all of them. So I'm going to work on those stretches. I find the seiza position quite comfortable, but I've never done it for more than about 10 minutes. The abbey where I'm going next month offers different options including the seiza bench which I'd like to try.

Making better use of my time....

I spend far too much time on my expats forum. Much of that time is truly a waste spent on discussing topics that are of no importance whatsoever except to talk about our favourite topic - ourselves. I took a 3 week break when I was beginning to study Buddhism and felt I was spending my time in a much more constructive way. After the 3 weeks I got kind of itchy to find out what was going on with the folks there.

So I'm going to have to use some willpower and stay away from the forum - will try to do it for a month - then maybe go back and have very *limited* time on it. There are several babies about to born soon and I will ask one of the members to let me know via email how it's going regarding them.

More time meditating, more time reading, more time doing things mindfully. Walking meditation will be something I'll try soon.....possibly at the botanic garden.

Getting too distracted....

by everyday stuff. I do remember sometimes to stop and be in the present. Usually I remember to slow down and be mindful when I find myself rushing through washing the dishes.

Do have some changes that have stuck...it's like there it someone over my shoulder reminding me to watch my behaviour and reactions to people. I forget and sometimes nag over nothing, but not as much as I used to. This reminds me, I still have a podcast to listen to....it's about daily life.

Oh...hubby bought me a Buddha statue.

Mindfulness

I was trying to think of ways to remember to be mindful during the day.... I'm going to try to remember not to just ask myself 'what am I doing now', but to ask about each of my senses - what am I seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, tasting....

First sesshin

I just received confirmation that I can attend an introductory weekend retreat at a Soto Zen Buddhist Abbey in Northumbria - about a 2.5 hour drive away. It will basically be meditation practice and discussion and to help with tasks, possibly in the garden. Takes place in May.

Progress

I've been noticing how well I deal with my client who's a compulsive talker - I mean non-stop. I've been observing how I'm feeling while with her (which is 10 hours a week!). I realize why she is like this (obsessive-compulsive), she has too much nervous energy and she talks just to get rid of that energy. I'm sure it also keeps her from dwelling too much on her physical pains.

I've started to feel a curious sense of detachment while half listening to her in case she asks a question. I've found myself thinking w/o emotion 'she's doing her usual monologue, it's a wonder she can breathe', and noting it as a simple fact.

I'm also much less annoyed by the fact that she's a compulsive shopper. She buys things she already has, and things she'll never use. She has boxes of things she's bought which have never been opened. This is surely just a comfort thing. Many shopaholics do this to fill their empty lives.

All that said I still feel a sense of relief when I'm done with her for the day, especially when I won't be seeing her the next day.

Hyperactive mind!

Not condemning myself for this, but when I meditated this evening my mind would not quit! I would gently put the thoughts in a bubble and let them float away...but on the count of 2 another thought took its place. As far as I recall though, the thoughts were all sesshin, meditation, Buddhism related. Kept thinking about my first sesshin which will hopefully be in May....
'What if I have to cough or sneeze during meditation and disturb everyone?' 'What if I get uncomfortable and need to move during the meditation?' 'What if I drift off to sleep during the early morning meditation and fall over!?'

I've realized just how much this path has helped me in dealing with my client who is a compulsive talker. Today she told a long story, then started all over again with the same story. When she starts to be too much and I have the urge to think about taping her mouth shut, that thought is stopped almost immediately, w/o conscious effort.

Need to be more disciplined with meditation

I'm not meditating every day and know I should. After all, it's just for 5 minutes. I have a spot set up. I read somewhere not to have a set time because things can come up, but to do it after a task or event that occurs every day - like after a morning shower, or after doing dishes at night, etc. For me after doing the dishes would be a good time. So I'll start doing that tonight.

I've sent in a registration form for an introductory weekend retreat with meditation instruction and question and answer sessions. I'll have to drive for nearly 3 hours to get there. There is no charge for accommodation or food or anything, but they ask for anonymous donations as well as donations of food. Anyway, the retreat is in mid May.

Meditation

Last night I finished cleaning the room where I've got my 'altar' and pillows. And I did a short meditation.

I've put up a pic of Thich Nhat Hanh as the background on my computer. He has such a peaceful look and just a hint of a smile. A good reminder especially when episodes with that certain person who can make my blood boil arise again. I try to remind myself that the Thay would not let her disturb his peacefulness one bit. He would immediately see that she has probably got a lifetime of anger and hurt which boils up and spills over onto everyone she's near.

Getting back on track

No, didn't meditate last night. Got lazy and didn't finish cleaning the room so I could put my table and pillows back. I need to start looking around for a Buddha figure to put on my table. Putting a pic of Thich Nhat Hanh as the background pic on my computer to remind me what peace looks like.

Started to remember to be mindful while doing dishes and taking shower.... will continue on this positive path.

Meditation...

Will try to meditate tonight. But will try it in the room that had the bad vibes and see how it goes. Hopefully I can skip my mind back to the time before the visitors when it was a peaceful room.

Feeling a bit less stressed today although I'm still occasionally rerunning episodes that made me so angry. No sense in trying to bury it. That never works anyway. My goal is to be one of those people who remain calm in the face of just about anything. Referring back to Castaneda's terminology - the person I'm referring to would be called a 'petty tyrant' and would be seen as a challenge to overcome. Challenge. Ha! A'int that the bloody truth.

Dealing with anger....

Listened to another podcast about anger today. It was mentioned that we should think about how it feels when we are angry - how does our body feel? Of course feeling negative emotions is bad for your health. It's good to think about how allowing yourself to feel this way is damaging your body. It certainly does feel totally like crap!

I remember quite a few years ago when I was looking at the world and my energy differently due to Castaneda.... I always kept a check on my energy and if it was being stolen from me and how to prevent that. Well, one day my ex and my grown son were in the kitchen and one of them carelessly dropped and broke a favourite vase or glass of mine - an irreplacable one. I felt absolutely no reaction whatsoever - I simply said oh well, just sweep it up. Both of them were shocked that I didn't get angry. I want to aim for that!

I'm trying not to re-run all the things that this woman did while here but hubby is not helping much - he keeps on and on about it. Then his daughter phoned and of course he told her about it. And for years he worked with kids with horrible behaviour and emotional problems - he said this woman and her son were worse than any kid in that school (an exaggeration I think-but close).

So I've opened the windows and closed the door to the bedroom they stayed in and hope the fresh air will help take out the bad vibes. I want to put my pillows and table back in there so I can meditate in the chosen spot. Better wait a few days and try to get rid of the image of the room when they were there - totally trashed!

Back to the podcast....a reaction we should have when dealing with an angry, hateful, mean person (like this woman) is to feel loving compassion, see that they are pain. The meaner and nastier a person is the more pain they are feeling. While listening to this my immediate reaction was - NO F**ING WAY! - I can't think kind thoughts about this horrid woman.... then realized that if I can't do it, then I'd really have to give up on Buddhism right now. And I'm not doing that! This is also the person I'll have to choose for the 'hostile person' portion of Loving Kindness Meditation.

Watch my breath, be the silent observor, don't condemn myself for the anger.... I keep thinking about the people I've seen who have such a peaceful look and never seem to get upset about anything or anyone at all. I want to be like them. But this is hard, very hard...and my first big challenge is you-know-who.

Ok, I can breathe freely now...

Trying not to condemn myself for how I felt about being with a very challenging person who has no idea was being peaceful means. She's like a ticking time bomb, watching and waiting for something to get pissed off about. I found stopping and trying to breathe deeply extremely difficult though it helped a few times. One night when trying to go to sleep I could feel that my heart was pounding at probably double the rate it should be - all from trying and failing at suppressing anger.

Right...well, this person and her ill-behaved child slept in the room I've been using as my meditation room. Wondering how to get the bad vibes out of the room. Maybe the beautiful vibes of the innocent, happy baby who also slept in the room have counter-acted their bad vibes? Needless to say I did not manage to meditate at all while they visited. I know from experience that trying to meditate when I'm upset in any way is a total waste of time.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming.....or not....

Sigh.....this is soooooo bloody hard!

This challenge is just too big for me at this point. This person complains, whines, is venomously sarcastic, and totally self-centred. I've been ranting to my husband (who agrees but is better at remaining calm), and also ranting on the private area of a forum to friends. I rerun in my head what I'd like to say (scream!) to this person. I feel like shit! I've let this person make me feel like shit. As said in the anger podcasts - try to see why this person is always so angry, etc. They are probably in pain. Right. But she and her family are guests in my home and throw rubbish on the floor, leave dirty clothes everywhere, leave the bathroom a disaster, are too loud.....

Doing deep breathing and will re-listen to the anger podcasts.

Help! Not doing so well.... big challenge

It's easy to deal with anger and let it drop when it's against some anonymous person who can't drive properly....but when it's someone you just can't dismiss it's a huge challenge.

A 'family' member pushes all my buttons. Just about anything that annoys me, she does it. I'm trying to examine the source of the anger (and that a'int difficult!), but had lots of trouble sleeping because of the anger I'd had to keep inside.

I've got another anger podcast to listen to, so this would be a good day for it!

Something is working right!

Some of my reading and podcast reminders have found their way into my subconscious. Without even reminding myself I find myself stopping a judgmental or angry or arrogant thought or a nag in mid-air. And if I start to admonish myself for thinking negatively, that stops in mid-air as well.

As for breathing...my lungs haven't been working this well in ages! The wee reminders to 'Breathe' are quite helpful.

Yesterday I had a training day - a situation that I've been conditioned to believe is always cause for panic. The possibility of being put on the spot in a classroom/meeting/crowded situation is a long held fear. How I got through 3 1/2 years of college is beyond me! Anyway, I took the great advice I've received through wise teachers (online and in books) and made myself take many slow deep breaths and not stop until the panic subsided. I tried to accept the fear and be mindful in the situation....the anticipation was the worst part of course. I remembered in one of the Quiet Mind podcasts that Robert said when we are stressed we desperately want the situation to change...and he kind of chuckled while saying this. These new attempts to cope didn't work 100% but it certainly put a new light on things and I was 'less panicky' than is the norm for me.

I remember a situation once that something/someone helped me cope with well. It was about 12 or 13 years ago and I had a job interview. Now, job interviews come second on my stress metre just after giving a speech. Big. Very big. I lived nearby so walked to the interview trying to talk myself out of the fear the whole time.

This was a university and the interview was held in a classroom. I was shown to a chair and 2 people arrived...then more people, and more people. I believe the total was 7 people (for a secretarial job FFS!). As each additional person entered the room my panic grew nearly out of control. I remember thinking 'I'm going to have a panic attack or be sick'. Something clicked, and I swear it was audible, and some voice inside me said 'OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!!'. And the panic stopped. During the interview I felt a normal amount of nervousness that anyone would have.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Why have I not heard of this wonderful man before? All these years this man's wisdom could have been helping me be a more peaceful and happy person.

Mindfulness

So hard to remember to do mindfulness practices, but I'm trying to remember to ask myself during the day 'what are you doing now?'. This morning I was making tea and noticed that I was 'making tea' - pouring boiling water over the teabags in the tea pot. As the Thay (Thich Naht Hanh) suggested in one of his books, think about where the food came from, how it grew, etc. So I found myself thinking about the tea leaves and their source.... Later while eating my lunch I thought about the wheat used to make the bread, etc.....

What is Zen? Hell if I know!

I know I should probably stop digging for a while and just do my daily practices and read the beginner books, but I want to know that choosing Zen was the right move for me (not that I can't change my mind). I'm getting more confused all the time. One of the forums has a section on Zen and all these practitioners can't seem to agree...they directly contradict major points of what Zen is. A couple of them did say though to not take their word for it but to find out for oneself from reliable sources. Zen isn't nearly as popular in the UK as it in the US.

Guess I should find out more about what each school of Buddhism entails......

An introductory weekend meditation retreat....

I've found a Soto Zen Buddhist Abbey in north England near Hadrian's Wall. They do introductory meditation retreats which last from Friday afternoon through Sunday. A monetary donation according to your means and donations of food are all that is requested. I can either drive or take the train and they will pick me up at the Hexham train station for a fee. Don't know which I'll do or when I'll go. Looks like a great introduction for me so I'd rather not wait for too long. However, I've requested so much time off already with all the family visitors this year! It would only be a Friday off though.....

http://www.throssel.org.uk/

I don't know the difference between the types of Zen... will have to find out what Soto is.

Slow down....

I wonder if I should be reading Buddhism forums at this point, especially with conflicting opinions and advice. Some say get a teacher right away, some say wait and get a feel for it exploring the different traditions.

I love the book 'Peace is Every Step' by Thich Nhat Hanh. Opinions are unanimous in the online Buddhism community that any book by him is excellent. Even my hubby who saw him in a Life of Buddha DVD said he's a 'nice wee man'. He even wants to listen to his audiobooks even though he has no intention of practicing Buddhism.

So I'll focus on the basics right now and try to stay off forums. Plenty to work on with my practices and books.

Too much input?

Starting to get confused with the different views depending on the source - message boards, books.... The more I read about Zen Buddhism or Buddhism in general, the more 'heavy' I find that it is. I should be taking my own advice and slowing down and taking baby steps. There is no need to become an expert within the span of a month or two. I've received another beginner's book today and I'll try to refrain from ordering any more just now. I should focus on practice.

The basis of Zen is Zazen (meditation) which is probably the most important thing for me to focus on... mindfulness practices are also very important....then the things on my daily reminder list such as noticing my behaviour and the other things from the podcasts. Thich Nhat Hanh is an excellent source of wisdom and as of now I have just one of his books but I'm sure I'll own most if not all of them at sometime in the future.

I've looked into Ven Hanh's Plum Village Buddhist retreat centre in France and am hoping to to a week long retreat sometime in 2007...spring or autumn. Can I really get up at 5 am?? Guess so.

Do I need to answer this question?

I was thinking about why I chose Buddhism and why Zen, and I know the answers....and don't have all the words to describe why. I just know. But people love to probe and they will ask me why I chose it. And I was thinking that I can't really give a simple, direct response. I started to look up definitions of Zen Buddhism but none were direct enough. I don't need to answer this question, I don't really need to put it into words for myself either....after all that is one of the points, not needing to label or describe or use words at all.

I don't know that I'll ever label myself a Buddhist. A student of Buddhism should be just fine. I have enough labels already.

Does this count?

Day off, by myself and watched 4 or 5 episodes (lost count) of 'Lost'. Certainly was mindful!! Sooooo....does this count as a mindfulness practice?? LOL!

Daily reminders

Yikes! So much to remember to do each day..... so I'll put my list-making skills to good use...

• Accept self, my life & situations just the way they are right now
• Accept what is so
• Accept others as they are
• Notice my behaviour & reactions (judging, stress, anger, labeling)
• Notice if I'm seeking approval outside myself
• Be aware of how my small self (ego) is running my life
• Do not give anyone the power to make me feel badly
• Listen!
• Be here now - mindfulness
• Breathe!

What I am focusing on now:

Learning:

• 4 Noble Truths
• 5 Precepts
• 8-fold Path
• and other basics of Buddhism

Practicing:

• Meditation - at least 5 minutes a day
• The lessons from the podcasts and the books
• Mindfulness techniques

Why Buddhism?

Family members are asking me 'why Buddhism'? and why am I not a Pagan anymore. Well...that's a whole different topic. I've thought about Buddhism on and off for quite some time. My reasons basically are I don't want to die with a twitch, I'm tired of being anxious for no obvious reasons, I'm irritated that my memory is getting worse all the time (related to chronic anxiety I'm sure), tired of not being able to think straight sometimes and looking like a moron - also due to chronic anxiety. I just plain don't want to die feeling this way. I have no reason to not be happy. My life should be very low or no stress at all...but it isn't. I just want some PEACE!!! I know deep down that Buddhism is the way! In fact, I haven't noticed my twitch recently...

Mindful walking

I was reading last night about walking meditation which sounds like a great thing to do. It gave me an idea today as I did a rough-ish walk that I do for exericise and to build stamina. This walk has lots of steps, tree roots, rushing water and small waterfalls, and hills. It's the type of place that would make a sceptic believe in faeries. I haven't done this walk for quite some time due to the cold...okay, and some laziness, so I didn't do it at full speed as I always do when doing it several times a week. As usual my mind was chattering away nonstop and then I thought about doing my walk mindfully. I did quite well though of course my mind strayed a few times. Grass, rocks, gurgling water, pine trees, pine needles, uphill, lots of steps, sounds of rushing water, dirt, slippery tree roots, the feel of my body as I went down a steep hill, moss, logs, logs, lots of logs...hmmm....they've been busy sawing here....shortness of breath, the last set of steps.... I really enjoyed this walk in a different way than usual.

Puck's Glen - King of the Faeries

Anger....

Been reading about dealing with anger in the book I'm reading now and it was also a recent episode on the podcast - 1st of 4 in a series. Coincidentally, someone has been angry with me and giving me the silent treatment (unjustified IMO). I know from experience just to wait it out. But this sucks up my energy due to the bad vibes. I can deal with my anger (well, I'm slowly learning to anyway), but how about someone else's? Fortunately this is a rare occurrence.

Whew! My brain hurts!

Trying to figure things out can be overwhelming.... and it's easy to forget all the daily things I'm trying to practice when I'm busy or have company.

For several years I've only called myself pagan if someone asked what I followed. I always replied that if I had to be labeled I'd have to say 'pagan'. That just isn't true for me and hasn't been for quite a long time. I haven't been 'practicing' the religion and the more I thought about what I believed the less I felt that path was for me. The idea of what divinity is just boggles my mind. I do feel that there is an energy running throughout the universe that connects us all(something like the force in Star Wars). I've been trying to sort this out and it's just impossible. It's like trying to visualize a universe that nevers ends. It can short-circuit your brain!

The more I've thought about all this the more I've realized no one can prove any religion, belief system, atheism....etc is true or false. And I've realized that anything can be the truth... no one knows. So the wise choice is to follow what is most helpful to us. I believe Buddhism will be the right choice for me. I will not call myself Buddhist for quite some time though. For now I'm a student of Buddhism.

Some of my notes from the podcasts....

A VERY condensed version of notes I’ve taking from the podcasts thus far (not in order).

Things to notice (w/o condemning yourself for doing so):
-Accept others as they are, not judging. It takes too much energy to judge and criticize others!
-Don’t expect people to be a certain way. Notice how you condemn, judge, label, prescibe fixes.
-Seeking approval from outside ourselves - give self approval for noticing that you do this. Big step in self-awareness.
-Stand back and watch self as if watching movie – and all different characters in ourselves – the whiny child, the stressed adult…

-Accept yourself, your life, situations just the way they are right now – w/o changes.

Stress/negatives:
-Pay attention when stressed, nervous, scared, angry, agitated. Pay attention to how it feels, then…
Stop. Take deep breath. Notice what is going on. Are you accepting what is so? Out of control? Is someone/something else/the situation in control?
-Notice the resistance but don’t condemn self. Approval to self for noticing this. Then let it go and accept what is so right now. Gives peace.
-Can’t control what’s outside of us but we can control how we react to things.
-When in negative situations – find something small to be thankful for.
-Feeling negatively toward people gets in the way of achieving peace.
-Don’t give people power to make us feel like badly.
-Go with flow of life. Don’ resist. Important spiritual step. Choose battles carefully. Be aware of how often we are not in the flow and are resisting.
-Don’t look to future situations in order to be happier (ex weight loss, new job…)
-Never use self-condemnation as an impetus for change.

Ego:
-Mind wants to tell us this work is difficult. Mind will fight us (ego).
-Small self: ego-mind
-Big self: self we are trying to uncover – who we really are
-Look at your small self and how I ID self. No condemning.
-Look at how you’re perceiving things. Watch how this connects me to your perceived identity – small self. How we identify self with things outside of self.
-Accept identifiers of self. The more we accept what is going on in our lives, the more peace we find.
-Always be aware of small self - how it’s running our lives.

Mindfulness:
-In moments of silent bliss – this is who we truly are.
-Non-method way of finding this true self (aside from meditation, mindfulness techniques, tai chi, etc…):
-When you feel that experience recognize that this is you, your true being.
-This moment is all we have!
-Find a middle road – don’t tell chattering self to shut up. Become focused participant in our lives. Observe dialogue of the mind. Middle part is calm. Critique self w/o condemnation. Real self honesty.
-We can be reborn every moment. We have a chance. Each moment is precious.
-Observe when mind meanders off into the past or future. Take a deep breath.
-It’s all okay just the way it is right now.
-Remember to watch your breath.
-Practice mindfulness in mundane tasks.
-Stop being on auto-pilot. You miss out on life by doing this! Be here now.
-Don’t take things for granted. Look deeper at the things around you. Everything is alive! Life force is within everything.
-We are all connected. Even the space between us has a consciousness. Find the silence within the spaces. In the stillness is our true being.

BE HERE NOW!

Times I've been fully in the moment...

I was thinking about all the times I've been completely immersed in the moment and thought that making a list might be helpful....

• On the Seafari boatride through the Corryvreckan whirlpool - excitement!
• Watching Riverdance in 1998 - bordering on bliss!
• Often when I've kayaked - most mindful when the water is rough and I'm scared!
• Going for a drive through beautiful scenery - moments, but not continuous
• Being on beautiful beaches - not continuous
• Usually during lovemaking
• Today I was driving home from work - 2 lane winding road along a loch. I was listening to music - The Lark Ascending. I was thinking about the feeling of driving, the beauty of the scenery and how lovely the music was...
• Holding and looking at my granddaughter.
• Savouring chocolate
• On a holiday seeing places/things I've never seen before
• Listening to some kinds of music
• Reading a good book
• Being engrossed in a great movie

To work on....

Something I need to work on (w/o condemning myself for being this way):

needing to prove I'm right!

First I'll notice when I'm doing it......

A few thoughts...

Today I was working out at the gym and as often happens someone was using equipment the wrong way. People are all shown how to use the equipment when they join up and the instructions are also easily seen on the equipment. So when I see someone doing this (using it in a way that doesn't work the muscles the machine is intended to use, and the good chance they will hurt their backs doing it incorrectly), I get very annoyed. I shouldn't, but I do. So when I saw someone doing this today I thought 'why doesn't this person do it the right way? Aren't they aware they shouldn't do it that way?' Then I caught myself and I said to myself 'don't be so arrogant about being right and someone being wrong'. Ack! But I should have just noticed I'd done it.

Lots of good breathing today! Got notices in evident places that simply say 'breathe'.

On reading some of the basic guide I found something that I'm quite sure applies to me... It was under The Six Realms -
The hell realm is characterised by acute aggression. We build a wall of anger between ourselves and our experience. Everything irritates us, even the most innocuous, and innocent statement drives us mad with anger. The heat of our anger is reflected back on us and sends us into a frenzy to escape from our torture, which in turn causes us to fight even harder and get even angrier. The whole thing builds on itself until we don't even know if we're fighting with someone else or ourselves. We are so busy fighting that we can't find an alternative to fighting; the possibility of alternative never even occurs to us.

This hit a nerve with me. For no apparent reason I've been quite irritable, easily angered, and quick to criticize for the past year or two (?) For many reasons from my past history I'm sure that the anger is anger at myself, not at petty things I let myself get all worked up about.

Good meditation tonight

Felt quit good with the meditation (Zazen) I did this evening. I think I was too busy counting and making sure I was breathing correctly to for my mind to wander! Belly out on inhale, belly in on exhale, focus on the spot below my navel... felt comfortable in the Seiza position using pillows but I'm sure a Seiza bench would be ideal. I need to find a permanent meditation spot in the house - probably in a spare bedroom.

Did quite a bit of reading this evening as well - all the general basics - 4 Noble Truths etc..... I've left a long article on Karma for later although I have a general idea of what it entails.

To do next is a list of reminders... have my 'breathe' signs in a few places and with as much time as I spend in the car.....one will also go in an obvious place.

Mindfulness

My suggestion on a mindfulness talk was used on the latest A Quiet Mind podcast. I did the techniques of saying to myself what I'm doing as when I did the breakfast dishes and when I drove to my client's house. It's easy to be mindful when I drive around here because of the lack of traffic. I can notice what's around me and enjoy the beauty of this landscape.

As regards to a previous lesson - that of noticing when I am judging/getting angry.... I was driving back home this afternoon down a single track road (one lane with traffic in both directions whereas you move over in passing places).... anyway I was mindfully driving down the road, noticing my breath, noticing what's around me, the feel of my hands on the steering wheel, no cars in sight. Suddenly a car going too fast (typical) is coming toward me not giving me much chance to move over into the passing place. I started to say 'give me some f*** room' -- automatically cut it off in mid sentence, and immediately calmed down. Aye, I'm guilty of swearing and having little patience with bad drivers.... but I anticipate that changing in the future.

I'm asking for advice on the Buddhism forum on Beliefnet.com. Helpful people but contradictory advice.... one says forget about the books and mind for awhile - and just focus on the body, another said I needed to read the basics, another to focus on meditation, another to get a teacher.... I think I'm going in the right direction and not trying to learn everything at once, but I wanted confirmation of that and other tips. Ah well...

Now reading the Basic Buddhism Guide:
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/basic-guide.htm

and also a Zen meditation guide recommended on the Beliefnet forum:
http://www.mro.org/zmm/meditation/index.html
This should help with the problem I have with getting a comfortable sitting meditation position. Will try various postures.

I plan to sit for 5 minutes in the morning before work and in the evening at least once.

Step by step

Quite pleased with the pat on the back I received from the A Quiet Mind podcaster on remembering to notice my behaviour in the car (below). Of course, I don't need or search for the approval of others! Aye, right! Give me a few years and I just might be able to say that.

I believe I'm at the right point in my life to finally begin the work Buddhism entails. I've looked here and there and tried this and that and usually give up after a 90 mile an hour gung ho start.

In Stumbling Toward Enlightenment (Geri Larkin) there are a few pages (p 76/77) on the importance of listening to people. Really listening. She makes very important points with this topic - something I certainly need to put into practice (as most of us).

Meditated about 5 minutes last night. I will try to do this at least a couple of times a day. When I tried meditation before I began with sitting for about 15 or 20 minutes and got frustrated... this time around I know to take baby steps with all the work I'm doing.

To work on:
Lessening my attachments to things: a biggie for me - the internet!!

Diet: How do I lose 15 pounds w/o condemning myself when I slip up? Should I only use a reward system - patting myself on the back for doing well?

Moments of silent bliss

I've compiled a list of these moments in another blog. Hope to be adding more soon!

http://beinginthepresent.blogspot.com/

Keep on trucking!

I was listening last night to A Quiet Mind podcast about how to notice my judgments of other people throughout the day - just notice it, don't condemn myself.

So I'm driving down the road to work this morning - a winding, 2 lane road. The car in front of me is obviously anxious to get around the slow truck in front of him/her. He started to pass the truck on a blind corner...so I yelled 'you stupid asshole!!' Then I laughed remembering my 'assignment' for the day.

Noted.

Reminders....

http://www.aquietmind.com/weblog/

I have subscribed to and listen to these podcasts and find they are all so true! Spot on!

I hear important points and things I need to remember to do and afterward can't recall what I'm trying to remember. So I'll just begin taking notes. In fact a list of daily reminders would be brilliant. Many of these are well worth listening to again.

Reminders for today:
Watch my behaviour, my reactions, my judgments throughout the day. Without condemning myself, realize that much of what I'm judging and prescribing fixes for are things that I need to change about myself.

See how I identify myself by things outside myself, such as what I eat, hobbies, job, habits, etc.