Meditation

Last night I finished cleaning the room where I've got my 'altar' and pillows. And I did a short meditation.

I've put up a pic of Thich Nhat Hanh as the background on my computer. He has such a peaceful look and just a hint of a smile. A good reminder especially when episodes with that certain person who can make my blood boil arise again. I try to remind myself that the Thay would not let her disturb his peacefulness one bit. He would immediately see that she has probably got a lifetime of anger and hurt which boils up and spills over onto everyone she's near.

Getting back on track

No, didn't meditate last night. Got lazy and didn't finish cleaning the room so I could put my table and pillows back. I need to start looking around for a Buddha figure to put on my table. Putting a pic of Thich Nhat Hanh as the background pic on my computer to remind me what peace looks like.

Started to remember to be mindful while doing dishes and taking shower.... will continue on this positive path.

Meditation...

Will try to meditate tonight. But will try it in the room that had the bad vibes and see how it goes. Hopefully I can skip my mind back to the time before the visitors when it was a peaceful room.

Feeling a bit less stressed today although I'm still occasionally rerunning episodes that made me so angry. No sense in trying to bury it. That never works anyway. My goal is to be one of those people who remain calm in the face of just about anything. Referring back to Castaneda's terminology - the person I'm referring to would be called a 'petty tyrant' and would be seen as a challenge to overcome. Challenge. Ha! A'int that the bloody truth.

Dealing with anger....

Listened to another podcast about anger today. It was mentioned that we should think about how it feels when we are angry - how does our body feel? Of course feeling negative emotions is bad for your health. It's good to think about how allowing yourself to feel this way is damaging your body. It certainly does feel totally like crap!

I remember quite a few years ago when I was looking at the world and my energy differently due to Castaneda.... I always kept a check on my energy and if it was being stolen from me and how to prevent that. Well, one day my ex and my grown son were in the kitchen and one of them carelessly dropped and broke a favourite vase or glass of mine - an irreplacable one. I felt absolutely no reaction whatsoever - I simply said oh well, just sweep it up. Both of them were shocked that I didn't get angry. I want to aim for that!

I'm trying not to re-run all the things that this woman did while here but hubby is not helping much - he keeps on and on about it. Then his daughter phoned and of course he told her about it. And for years he worked with kids with horrible behaviour and emotional problems - he said this woman and her son were worse than any kid in that school (an exaggeration I think-but close).

So I've opened the windows and closed the door to the bedroom they stayed in and hope the fresh air will help take out the bad vibes. I want to put my pillows and table back in there so I can meditate in the chosen spot. Better wait a few days and try to get rid of the image of the room when they were there - totally trashed!

Back to the podcast....a reaction we should have when dealing with an angry, hateful, mean person (like this woman) is to feel loving compassion, see that they are pain. The meaner and nastier a person is the more pain they are feeling. While listening to this my immediate reaction was - NO F**ING WAY! - I can't think kind thoughts about this horrid woman.... then realized that if I can't do it, then I'd really have to give up on Buddhism right now. And I'm not doing that! This is also the person I'll have to choose for the 'hostile person' portion of Loving Kindness Meditation.

Watch my breath, be the silent observor, don't condemn myself for the anger.... I keep thinking about the people I've seen who have such a peaceful look and never seem to get upset about anything or anyone at all. I want to be like them. But this is hard, very hard...and my first big challenge is you-know-who.

Ok, I can breathe freely now...

Trying not to condemn myself for how I felt about being with a very challenging person who has no idea was being peaceful means. She's like a ticking time bomb, watching and waiting for something to get pissed off about. I found stopping and trying to breathe deeply extremely difficult though it helped a few times. One night when trying to go to sleep I could feel that my heart was pounding at probably double the rate it should be - all from trying and failing at suppressing anger.

Right...well, this person and her ill-behaved child slept in the room I've been using as my meditation room. Wondering how to get the bad vibes out of the room. Maybe the beautiful vibes of the innocent, happy baby who also slept in the room have counter-acted their bad vibes? Needless to say I did not manage to meditate at all while they visited. I know from experience that trying to meditate when I'm upset in any way is a total waste of time.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming.....or not....

Sigh.....this is soooooo bloody hard!

This challenge is just too big for me at this point. This person complains, whines, is venomously sarcastic, and totally self-centred. I've been ranting to my husband (who agrees but is better at remaining calm), and also ranting on the private area of a forum to friends. I rerun in my head what I'd like to say (scream!) to this person. I feel like shit! I've let this person make me feel like shit. As said in the anger podcasts - try to see why this person is always so angry, etc. They are probably in pain. Right. But she and her family are guests in my home and throw rubbish on the floor, leave dirty clothes everywhere, leave the bathroom a disaster, are too loud.....

Doing deep breathing and will re-listen to the anger podcasts.

Help! Not doing so well.... big challenge

It's easy to deal with anger and let it drop when it's against some anonymous person who can't drive properly....but when it's someone you just can't dismiss it's a huge challenge.

A 'family' member pushes all my buttons. Just about anything that annoys me, she does it. I'm trying to examine the source of the anger (and that a'int difficult!), but had lots of trouble sleeping because of the anger I'd had to keep inside.

I've got another anger podcast to listen to, so this would be a good day for it!

Something is working right!

Some of my reading and podcast reminders have found their way into my subconscious. Without even reminding myself I find myself stopping a judgmental or angry or arrogant thought or a nag in mid-air. And if I start to admonish myself for thinking negatively, that stops in mid-air as well.

As for breathing...my lungs haven't been working this well in ages! The wee reminders to 'Breathe' are quite helpful.

Yesterday I had a training day - a situation that I've been conditioned to believe is always cause for panic. The possibility of being put on the spot in a classroom/meeting/crowded situation is a long held fear. How I got through 3 1/2 years of college is beyond me! Anyway, I took the great advice I've received through wise teachers (online and in books) and made myself take many slow deep breaths and not stop until the panic subsided. I tried to accept the fear and be mindful in the situation....the anticipation was the worst part of course. I remembered in one of the Quiet Mind podcasts that Robert said when we are stressed we desperately want the situation to change...and he kind of chuckled while saying this. These new attempts to cope didn't work 100% but it certainly put a new light on things and I was 'less panicky' than is the norm for me.

I remember a situation once that something/someone helped me cope with well. It was about 12 or 13 years ago and I had a job interview. Now, job interviews come second on my stress metre just after giving a speech. Big. Very big. I lived nearby so walked to the interview trying to talk myself out of the fear the whole time.

This was a university and the interview was held in a classroom. I was shown to a chair and 2 people arrived...then more people, and more people. I believe the total was 7 people (for a secretarial job FFS!). As each additional person entered the room my panic grew nearly out of control. I remember thinking 'I'm going to have a panic attack or be sick'. Something clicked, and I swear it was audible, and some voice inside me said 'OH NO YOU'RE NOT!!!'. And the panic stopped. During the interview I felt a normal amount of nervousness that anyone would have.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Why have I not heard of this wonderful man before? All these years this man's wisdom could have been helping me be a more peaceful and happy person.

Mindfulness

So hard to remember to do mindfulness practices, but I'm trying to remember to ask myself during the day 'what are you doing now?'. This morning I was making tea and noticed that I was 'making tea' - pouring boiling water over the teabags in the tea pot. As the Thay (Thich Naht Hanh) suggested in one of his books, think about where the food came from, how it grew, etc. So I found myself thinking about the tea leaves and their source.... Later while eating my lunch I thought about the wheat used to make the bread, etc.....

What is Zen? Hell if I know!

I know I should probably stop digging for a while and just do my daily practices and read the beginner books, but I want to know that choosing Zen was the right move for me (not that I can't change my mind). I'm getting more confused all the time. One of the forums has a section on Zen and all these practitioners can't seem to agree...they directly contradict major points of what Zen is. A couple of them did say though to not take their word for it but to find out for oneself from reliable sources. Zen isn't nearly as popular in the UK as it in the US.

Guess I should find out more about what each school of Buddhism entails......

An introductory weekend meditation retreat....

I've found a Soto Zen Buddhist Abbey in north England near Hadrian's Wall. They do introductory meditation retreats which last from Friday afternoon through Sunday. A monetary donation according to your means and donations of food are all that is requested. I can either drive or take the train and they will pick me up at the Hexham train station for a fee. Don't know which I'll do or when I'll go. Looks like a great introduction for me so I'd rather not wait for too long. However, I've requested so much time off already with all the family visitors this year! It would only be a Friday off though.....

http://www.throssel.org.uk/

I don't know the difference between the types of Zen... will have to find out what Soto is.