Slow down....

I wonder if I should be reading Buddhism forums at this point, especially with conflicting opinions and advice. Some say get a teacher right away, some say wait and get a feel for it exploring the different traditions.

I love the book 'Peace is Every Step' by Thich Nhat Hanh. Opinions are unanimous in the online Buddhism community that any book by him is excellent. Even my hubby who saw him in a Life of Buddha DVD said he's a 'nice wee man'. He even wants to listen to his audiobooks even though he has no intention of practicing Buddhism.

So I'll focus on the basics right now and try to stay off forums. Plenty to work on with my practices and books.

Too much input?

Starting to get confused with the different views depending on the source - message boards, books.... The more I read about Zen Buddhism or Buddhism in general, the more 'heavy' I find that it is. I should be taking my own advice and slowing down and taking baby steps. There is no need to become an expert within the span of a month or two. I've received another beginner's book today and I'll try to refrain from ordering any more just now. I should focus on practice.

The basis of Zen is Zazen (meditation) which is probably the most important thing for me to focus on... mindfulness practices are also very important....then the things on my daily reminder list such as noticing my behaviour and the other things from the podcasts. Thich Nhat Hanh is an excellent source of wisdom and as of now I have just one of his books but I'm sure I'll own most if not all of them at sometime in the future.

I've looked into Ven Hanh's Plum Village Buddhist retreat centre in France and am hoping to to a week long retreat sometime in 2007...spring or autumn. Can I really get up at 5 am?? Guess so.

Do I need to answer this question?

I was thinking about why I chose Buddhism and why Zen, and I know the answers....and don't have all the words to describe why. I just know. But people love to probe and they will ask me why I chose it. And I was thinking that I can't really give a simple, direct response. I started to look up definitions of Zen Buddhism but none were direct enough. I don't need to answer this question, I don't really need to put it into words for myself either....after all that is one of the points, not needing to label or describe or use words at all.

I don't know that I'll ever label myself a Buddhist. A student of Buddhism should be just fine. I have enough labels already.

Does this count?

Day off, by myself and watched 4 or 5 episodes (lost count) of 'Lost'. Certainly was mindful!! Sooooo....does this count as a mindfulness practice?? LOL!

Daily reminders

Yikes! So much to remember to do each day..... so I'll put my list-making skills to good use...

• Accept self, my life & situations just the way they are right now
• Accept what is so
• Accept others as they are
• Notice my behaviour & reactions (judging, stress, anger, labeling)
• Notice if I'm seeking approval outside myself
• Be aware of how my small self (ego) is running my life
• Do not give anyone the power to make me feel badly
• Listen!
• Be here now - mindfulness
• Breathe!

What I am focusing on now:

Learning:

• 4 Noble Truths
• 5 Precepts
• 8-fold Path
• and other basics of Buddhism

Practicing:

• Meditation - at least 5 minutes a day
• The lessons from the podcasts and the books
• Mindfulness techniques

Why Buddhism?

Family members are asking me 'why Buddhism'? and why am I not a Pagan anymore. Well...that's a whole different topic. I've thought about Buddhism on and off for quite some time. My reasons basically are I don't want to die with a twitch, I'm tired of being anxious for no obvious reasons, I'm irritated that my memory is getting worse all the time (related to chronic anxiety I'm sure), tired of not being able to think straight sometimes and looking like a moron - also due to chronic anxiety. I just plain don't want to die feeling this way. I have no reason to not be happy. My life should be very low or no stress at all...but it isn't. I just want some PEACE!!! I know deep down that Buddhism is the way! In fact, I haven't noticed my twitch recently...

Mindful walking

I was reading last night about walking meditation which sounds like a great thing to do. It gave me an idea today as I did a rough-ish walk that I do for exericise and to build stamina. This walk has lots of steps, tree roots, rushing water and small waterfalls, and hills. It's the type of place that would make a sceptic believe in faeries. I haven't done this walk for quite some time due to the cold...okay, and some laziness, so I didn't do it at full speed as I always do when doing it several times a week. As usual my mind was chattering away nonstop and then I thought about doing my walk mindfully. I did quite well though of course my mind strayed a few times. Grass, rocks, gurgling water, pine trees, pine needles, uphill, lots of steps, sounds of rushing water, dirt, slippery tree roots, the feel of my body as I went down a steep hill, moss, logs, logs, lots of logs...hmmm....they've been busy sawing here....shortness of breath, the last set of steps.... I really enjoyed this walk in a different way than usual.

Puck's Glen - King of the Faeries

Anger....

Been reading about dealing with anger in the book I'm reading now and it was also a recent episode on the podcast - 1st of 4 in a series. Coincidentally, someone has been angry with me and giving me the silent treatment (unjustified IMO). I know from experience just to wait it out. But this sucks up my energy due to the bad vibes. I can deal with my anger (well, I'm slowly learning to anyway), but how about someone else's? Fortunately this is a rare occurrence.

Whew! My brain hurts!

Trying to figure things out can be overwhelming.... and it's easy to forget all the daily things I'm trying to practice when I'm busy or have company.

For several years I've only called myself pagan if someone asked what I followed. I always replied that if I had to be labeled I'd have to say 'pagan'. That just isn't true for me and hasn't been for quite a long time. I haven't been 'practicing' the religion and the more I thought about what I believed the less I felt that path was for me. The idea of what divinity is just boggles my mind. I do feel that there is an energy running throughout the universe that connects us all(something like the force in Star Wars). I've been trying to sort this out and it's just impossible. It's like trying to visualize a universe that nevers ends. It can short-circuit your brain!

The more I've thought about all this the more I've realized no one can prove any religion, belief system, atheism....etc is true or false. And I've realized that anything can be the truth... no one knows. So the wise choice is to follow what is most helpful to us. I believe Buddhism will be the right choice for me. I will not call myself Buddhist for quite some time though. For now I'm a student of Buddhism.

Some of my notes from the podcasts....

A VERY condensed version of notes I’ve taking from the podcasts thus far (not in order).

Things to notice (w/o condemning yourself for doing so):
-Accept others as they are, not judging. It takes too much energy to judge and criticize others!
-Don’t expect people to be a certain way. Notice how you condemn, judge, label, prescibe fixes.
-Seeking approval from outside ourselves - give self approval for noticing that you do this. Big step in self-awareness.
-Stand back and watch self as if watching movie – and all different characters in ourselves – the whiny child, the stressed adult…

-Accept yourself, your life, situations just the way they are right now – w/o changes.

Stress/negatives:
-Pay attention when stressed, nervous, scared, angry, agitated. Pay attention to how it feels, then…
Stop. Take deep breath. Notice what is going on. Are you accepting what is so? Out of control? Is someone/something else/the situation in control?
-Notice the resistance but don’t condemn self. Approval to self for noticing this. Then let it go and accept what is so right now. Gives peace.
-Can’t control what’s outside of us but we can control how we react to things.
-When in negative situations – find something small to be thankful for.
-Feeling negatively toward people gets in the way of achieving peace.
-Don’t give people power to make us feel like badly.
-Go with flow of life. Don’ resist. Important spiritual step. Choose battles carefully. Be aware of how often we are not in the flow and are resisting.
-Don’t look to future situations in order to be happier (ex weight loss, new job…)
-Never use self-condemnation as an impetus for change.

Ego:
-Mind wants to tell us this work is difficult. Mind will fight us (ego).
-Small self: ego-mind
-Big self: self we are trying to uncover – who we really are
-Look at your small self and how I ID self. No condemning.
-Look at how you’re perceiving things. Watch how this connects me to your perceived identity – small self. How we identify self with things outside of self.
-Accept identifiers of self. The more we accept what is going on in our lives, the more peace we find.
-Always be aware of small self - how it’s running our lives.

Mindfulness:
-In moments of silent bliss – this is who we truly are.
-Non-method way of finding this true self (aside from meditation, mindfulness techniques, tai chi, etc…):
-When you feel that experience recognize that this is you, your true being.
-This moment is all we have!
-Find a middle road – don’t tell chattering self to shut up. Become focused participant in our lives. Observe dialogue of the mind. Middle part is calm. Critique self w/o condemnation. Real self honesty.
-We can be reborn every moment. We have a chance. Each moment is precious.
-Observe when mind meanders off into the past or future. Take a deep breath.
-It’s all okay just the way it is right now.
-Remember to watch your breath.
-Practice mindfulness in mundane tasks.
-Stop being on auto-pilot. You miss out on life by doing this! Be here now.
-Don’t take things for granted. Look deeper at the things around you. Everything is alive! Life force is within everything.
-We are all connected. Even the space between us has a consciousness. Find the silence within the spaces. In the stillness is our true being.

BE HERE NOW!

Times I've been fully in the moment...

I was thinking about all the times I've been completely immersed in the moment and thought that making a list might be helpful....

• On the Seafari boatride through the Corryvreckan whirlpool - excitement!
• Watching Riverdance in 1998 - bordering on bliss!
• Often when I've kayaked - most mindful when the water is rough and I'm scared!
• Going for a drive through beautiful scenery - moments, but not continuous
• Being on beautiful beaches - not continuous
• Usually during lovemaking
• Today I was driving home from work - 2 lane winding road along a loch. I was listening to music - The Lark Ascending. I was thinking about the feeling of driving, the beauty of the scenery and how lovely the music was...
• Holding and looking at my granddaughter.
• Savouring chocolate
• On a holiday seeing places/things I've never seen before
• Listening to some kinds of music
• Reading a good book
• Being engrossed in a great movie

To work on....

Something I need to work on (w/o condemning myself for being this way):

needing to prove I'm right!

First I'll notice when I'm doing it......

A few thoughts...

Today I was working out at the gym and as often happens someone was using equipment the wrong way. People are all shown how to use the equipment when they join up and the instructions are also easily seen on the equipment. So when I see someone doing this (using it in a way that doesn't work the muscles the machine is intended to use, and the good chance they will hurt their backs doing it incorrectly), I get very annoyed. I shouldn't, but I do. So when I saw someone doing this today I thought 'why doesn't this person do it the right way? Aren't they aware they shouldn't do it that way?' Then I caught myself and I said to myself 'don't be so arrogant about being right and someone being wrong'. Ack! But I should have just noticed I'd done it.

Lots of good breathing today! Got notices in evident places that simply say 'breathe'.

On reading some of the basic guide I found something that I'm quite sure applies to me... It was under The Six Realms -
The hell realm is characterised by acute aggression. We build a wall of anger between ourselves and our experience. Everything irritates us, even the most innocuous, and innocent statement drives us mad with anger. The heat of our anger is reflected back on us and sends us into a frenzy to escape from our torture, which in turn causes us to fight even harder and get even angrier. The whole thing builds on itself until we don't even know if we're fighting with someone else or ourselves. We are so busy fighting that we can't find an alternative to fighting; the possibility of alternative never even occurs to us.

This hit a nerve with me. For no apparent reason I've been quite irritable, easily angered, and quick to criticize for the past year or two (?) For many reasons from my past history I'm sure that the anger is anger at myself, not at petty things I let myself get all worked up about.

Good meditation tonight

Felt quit good with the meditation (Zazen) I did this evening. I think I was too busy counting and making sure I was breathing correctly to for my mind to wander! Belly out on inhale, belly in on exhale, focus on the spot below my navel... felt comfortable in the Seiza position using pillows but I'm sure a Seiza bench would be ideal. I need to find a permanent meditation spot in the house - probably in a spare bedroom.

Did quite a bit of reading this evening as well - all the general basics - 4 Noble Truths etc..... I've left a long article on Karma for later although I have a general idea of what it entails.

To do next is a list of reminders... have my 'breathe' signs in a few places and with as much time as I spend in the car.....one will also go in an obvious place.

Mindfulness

My suggestion on a mindfulness talk was used on the latest A Quiet Mind podcast. I did the techniques of saying to myself what I'm doing as when I did the breakfast dishes and when I drove to my client's house. It's easy to be mindful when I drive around here because of the lack of traffic. I can notice what's around me and enjoy the beauty of this landscape.

As regards to a previous lesson - that of noticing when I am judging/getting angry.... I was driving back home this afternoon down a single track road (one lane with traffic in both directions whereas you move over in passing places).... anyway I was mindfully driving down the road, noticing my breath, noticing what's around me, the feel of my hands on the steering wheel, no cars in sight. Suddenly a car going too fast (typical) is coming toward me not giving me much chance to move over into the passing place. I started to say 'give me some f*** room' -- automatically cut it off in mid sentence, and immediately calmed down. Aye, I'm guilty of swearing and having little patience with bad drivers.... but I anticipate that changing in the future.

I'm asking for advice on the Buddhism forum on Beliefnet.com. Helpful people but contradictory advice.... one says forget about the books and mind for awhile - and just focus on the body, another said I needed to read the basics, another to focus on meditation, another to get a teacher.... I think I'm going in the right direction and not trying to learn everything at once, but I wanted confirmation of that and other tips. Ah well...

Now reading the Basic Buddhism Guide:
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/basic-guide.htm

and also a Zen meditation guide recommended on the Beliefnet forum:
http://www.mro.org/zmm/meditation/index.html
This should help with the problem I have with getting a comfortable sitting meditation position. Will try various postures.

I plan to sit for 5 minutes in the morning before work and in the evening at least once.

Step by step

Quite pleased with the pat on the back I received from the A Quiet Mind podcaster on remembering to notice my behaviour in the car (below). Of course, I don't need or search for the approval of others! Aye, right! Give me a few years and I just might be able to say that.

I believe I'm at the right point in my life to finally begin the work Buddhism entails. I've looked here and there and tried this and that and usually give up after a 90 mile an hour gung ho start.

In Stumbling Toward Enlightenment (Geri Larkin) there are a few pages (p 76/77) on the importance of listening to people. Really listening. She makes very important points with this topic - something I certainly need to put into practice (as most of us).

Meditated about 5 minutes last night. I will try to do this at least a couple of times a day. When I tried meditation before I began with sitting for about 15 or 20 minutes and got frustrated... this time around I know to take baby steps with all the work I'm doing.

To work on:
Lessening my attachments to things: a biggie for me - the internet!!

Diet: How do I lose 15 pounds w/o condemning myself when I slip up? Should I only use a reward system - patting myself on the back for doing well?

Moments of silent bliss

I've compiled a list of these moments in another blog. Hope to be adding more soon!

http://beinginthepresent.blogspot.com/

Keep on trucking!

I was listening last night to A Quiet Mind podcast about how to notice my judgments of other people throughout the day - just notice it, don't condemn myself.

So I'm driving down the road to work this morning - a winding, 2 lane road. The car in front of me is obviously anxious to get around the slow truck in front of him/her. He started to pass the truck on a blind corner...so I yelled 'you stupid asshole!!' Then I laughed remembering my 'assignment' for the day.

Noted.

Reminders....

http://www.aquietmind.com/weblog/

I have subscribed to and listen to these podcasts and find they are all so true! Spot on!

I hear important points and things I need to remember to do and afterward can't recall what I'm trying to remember. So I'll just begin taking notes. In fact a list of daily reminders would be brilliant. Many of these are well worth listening to again.

Reminders for today:
Watch my behaviour, my reactions, my judgments throughout the day. Without condemning myself, realize that much of what I'm judging and prescribing fixes for are things that I need to change about myself.

See how I identify myself by things outside myself, such as what I eat, hobbies, job, habits, etc.

Slowly...very slowly

Trying to look at people and not immediately judge them. But if I do I *notice* but do not condemn myself for doing so. Doing the same when I feel a bit arrogant.

Tried to sit quietly and focus no breathing for 5 minutes a day - a mini-meditation - but have skipped several days. Will do better.

A Quiet Mind

Find the 'A Quiet Mind' podcasts to be quite helpful.

With client (elderly) today who can be very difficult to be around. She babbles incessantly and rarely lets me get a word in. Even when she eats she barely stops talking. Decided not to get annoyed and just let her do all the babbling and I rarely tried to get a word in edgewise. I'm sure that the reason I keep getting a nervous twitch above my eye is due to spending so much time with her every week.

I've thought back to things I learned while in my *Castaneda phase*. A couple of them are directly related to what I'm trying to do now. Of course, it's often been said he stole all his words of wisdom from various religions and other sources, including Buddhism.

They are:
viewing the world with *detachment* - not judging or letting it affect one's energy.
And guarding your energy - feeling a wall around you when the energy vampires come near you.

The above woman is an energy vampire. However, another client who is quite talkative gives me energy. The difference I think is that she will stop and be interested in what I have to say. She also has more interesting things to say than the other woman, and she's more intelligent.

Stumbling Toward Enlightenment

This book 'Stumbling Toward Enlightenment' is so down to earth....I can see it was very likely the best choice for me as an introduction to Buddhism--not too heavy and spoon-feeding me the basics. Here I am far away in Scotland and I find the author gave the talks in this book at a Buddhist Temple which is just a couple of miles away from my brother's house in Michigan. Small world. Guess I'll need to visit the temple when I go back for Christmas.

Why I feel Buddhism may be the best path for me:
As someone who has been easily stressed for most of my life I'd like to:
-be calmer, peaceful-live in the present, not the past or future
-possibly prolong my life by dumping stress
-those around me will benefit as well, ie husband (who is naturally calm)
-I need to change by way of seeing things, being judgmental, impatient, needing to be right, a bit of snobbery....ok...sometimes quite a bit-learning acceptance.

First steps to do daily:
5 minutes meditation
Remember to think only about the task I'm doing - mindfulness
watch out for judging people or making assumptions

Need to work more on mindfulness!

It's so easy to stay in autopilot. I received a book today which was recommended - 'Stumbling Toward Enlightenment' by Geri Larkin. I'll start on it either tonight or tomorrow. She sounds down to earth and allows for the fact that we will stumble, fall, get up, fall again while on this path. But just keep trying.

I've been listening to some podcasts I downloaded. It's a series called 'A Quiet Mind'. Some of the points I picked up:
don't be judgmental - but when you catch yourself doing it, don't condemn yourself for doing so. In fact, it says don't condemn yourself as a way of changing things you don't like about yourself. Just go ahead. Accept yourself as you are. Accept others as they are. Then change things because you want to change them.

Most importantly, don't live in the past or the future. You miss out on life that way.

Taking tiny steps

I'll work on being mindful today. I've done it before and had some quite interesting experiences. This was during the years I was reading Carlos Castanedas books. Interesting to see that a website about mindfulness techniques featured one of his books, The Power of Silence, as recommended reading. It is referred to in the books as stopping the world, and when it occurs it is simply indescribable. Everything is sharper, the world, your mind, your body and it is very pleasant. It feels fantastic to be alive!

Some of the things to do to gear oneself toward being more mindful - in the present - is paying complete attention to what one is doing...whether it is doing the dishes, eating, anything. Think only about the task at hand. I am very unmindful when I eat at home - I sit at the computer with the tv on in the background. I have occasionally tried (when hubby isn't home) to eat at the table, no noise anywhere and simply focused on every bite of food. I ate slowly and tried not to let my mind wander. I found this extremely difficult.

Is Buddhism the right path for me?

I'm beginning to investigate Buddhism and the different types. From what bits I've read so far I'm leaning toward Zen Buddhism. I've found many good web sites and have also ordered a book recommended on a Buddhism message board.
Buddhanet:
http://www.buddhanet.net/
Beliefnet:
http://www.beliefnet.com/boards/boards_main.AllCategories.asp?Category=59

I used to own a book called "Mindfulness in Plain English" which I found quite helpful in aiding in the practice of being in the moment. This book also was a guide for meditation, which I find difficult but I know I didn't give it a big enough chance. So....I'll try again.

Will chart my progress....