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Starting again

2007-05-06T12:40:00.000+01:00

Back again. I was off track - again - and whenever I think about how much better I felt when I was meditating and doing other practices, I vowed to start again. Being calm and even-tempered is much better than being moody. Instead of meditating just in the evenings, I am, as of this morning, doing a morning and evening meditation. This is important for when we go overseas for volunteering. Culture shock and loss of conveniences will be eased if I feel better internally. I fully intend to do a morning and evening meditation while away. I have never been a morning person, but when away I expect we will get up early and go to bed early.

I would dearly love our placement to be in Thailand or Cambodia due to the population being mainly Buddhist. However, hub who is the actual volunteer feels drawn to helping in Africa. I guess his vote wins.

Next weekend I will be on my own and will do a Day of Mindfulness. I did this the last time hub was away in London and it went quite well for a first try. So I'll take advantage of this and do so again.

I'm re-listening to Quiet Mind podcasts while I'm driving. They do make me think and re-focus.

The need to argue and be right

2007-02-14T16:56:00.001Z

Well, I've extricated myself from an online *news* forum that had been taking up too much of my time for the last couple of weeks. Don't know why I want to debate unwinnable topics with people who are so ignorant....homophobes, those against smoking bans, evangelicals, bush supporters. Certainly didn't help me toward my goals of peacefulness and mindfulness. The amount of ignorance, bigotry, hate and just plain stupidity is astounding, although I don't know why it surprises me. I will admit to having a bit of fun with good sarcastic retorts. And I did enjoy reading many highly intelligent and articulate posts.

But that's it. I've logged out and won't go back on.....

Why?

2007-02-04T14:10:00.000Z

sigh....I should be reading my Thich Nhat Hanh books, re-listening to podcasts, and meditating...probably coming up with more mindfulness days (or blocks of time). What am I doing instead? I'm arguing with people on the internet. And it's arguments I'll never win...just banging my head against a brick wall. What is the point of talking to narrow-minded people, like fundamentalist christians, homophobes, smokers who are against a ban on public smoking, Bush supporters, and people who think pagans have no rights. I'd say it's a total waste of time, except that I am *in the moment* when I argue with these brainless sheep....ok, ok....not a good excuse...

Back again.....

2007-01-24T16:23:00.000Z

Haven't been doing my practices....no excuses but trying not to condemn myself either. As they say, just pick yourself up and start again.

My meditation mat is still in it's usual place and I'll be sitting tonight. Will consolidate the most helpful Quiet Mind podcasts into one CD to listen to in the car. I always feel more motivated and ready to get back on track when I listen to these.

How my mindful day went....

2006-11-11T22:41:00.000Z

Well, I didn't make it the whole day but for a first try I think I did well.

No tv, no radio, no computer -- those were the toughies. Started feeling withdrawal by early afternoon. Almost gave in but instead kept busy - mostly mindully - doing chores, tidying, cleaning. Yes, my mind wandered but I usually remembered to bring it back to what I was doing. It's easy to do so when I'm reorganizing something because I do have to think about what I'm doing. Sorted several kitchen cupboards. It's incredibly difficult to do chores slowly when I'm used to do them as quickly as possible. Attempted not to think about what I'd be doing next, just to think about what I was doing right then.

The weather was crap today so I never got a nice, long, mindful walk in the woods. I do have a clean house though! The long, hot soak in bubblebath was quite pleasant and relaxing.

Had dinner at about 6pm and by then I was tired and felt a strong need for some input. So I played the dvd about Thich Nhat Hanh that I'd never finished watching. After that I watched a couple of shows on tv and it wasn't until 9pm that I turned on the computer.

Day of mindfulness this weekend

2006-11-08T18:26:00.000Z

Well...husband took a trip to London to visit his daughter so I've got my day of mindfulness coming up this Saturday. As someone who is addicted to the internet and having the tv on in the background, this is going to be a definite challenge. I'll be doing this day as suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh. Music is allowed but only if I'm just listening to music and doing it mindfully. Talking is to be avoided for a beginner unless it can be done totally mindfully. So I'll keep this to a short chat on the phone with hubby, and probably a brief hello to passersby if the weather in dry enough to go for a walk on my favourite trail.

Doing chores slowly and not with the mindset to get it over it as quickly as possible will be another challenge. I intend to do several sessions of meditation. Healthy food only and not too heavy. A long soak in the tub as suggested.

I try to wash my dishes slowly and mindfully but always find it tough. I try to get it done so that I can do what I'd rather be doing....have a cuppa tea, watch telly or get on the computer. So since I won't have anything to rush to do on this day I'll probably find it easier. I'll be doing quite a bit of reading - all of it on Buddhism - one of my many TNH books.

Sigh

2006-10-28T16:21:00.000+01:00

Aye, I admit to having seriously lapsed in my practice. I haven't forgotten though. I still try to focus on mindfulness. Meditation is only occasional. I'm sure something that keeps from progressing is the fact that Buddhist practices bring up things I've buried and would rather forget. Of course, I can't. They are there regardless if I practice or not. I feel they are a huge block to my finding peace.

Everyone says meditation should never feel like a chore, or something to get over with. So I'm not pushing myself to do it.

Still listen to the Quiet Mind podcasts when there are new ones. Those always help keep me focused. I sometimes re-listen to them while I drive. I think I'll put together a CD of my favourite ones, the ones that energize me and really make me think.

I'm looking forward to my husband being gone on a long weekend trip to see his daughter. Then I can do my 'day of mindfulness'. I find it easier to meditate when he is not here.

Decisions.....

2006-10-02T19:59:00.000+01:00

I've quit an expat forum that I've been on for almost 5 years and it's sad because I made many friends there. I admit to being a net-aholic, especially forums. But I found I spent far too much time there, much of it unconstructive and simply a way to procrastinate. I could have been reading, meditating, doing constructive things. I didn't intend to join another forum but was tempted by a group of fellow members who had also quit (long story) and joined a new site. Trying to limit my time but will have to get tough and if I see I can't limit my time to something reasonable, I'll just have to quit.

Reading a book on Anger by Thich Nhat Hahn. It seems quite in depth...more than a simple self-help book. Anything by TNH is always brilliant.

A day of mindfulness

2006-09-28T22:27:00.000+01:00

In one of Thich Nhat Hahn's books he suggests setting aside one day a week to be totally mindful. One needs to be alone to do as he suggests it - no talking when one is still new at this. So this would be extremely difficult for people who don't live alone - especially someone with children.

I plan to do this when my hub goes to visit his daughter in London soon. I'll have several days to myself so I can also extend it to the other days when I'm not working. TNH suggests doing chores slowly and mindfully and enjoying them, not doing them quickly in order to get them done and overwith. Other ways to spend the day include slowly taking a bath, mindfully drinking tea, eating, reading, going for a walk, gardening. This will mean for me leaving the computer off. I will do extra sittings as well.

Keeping on track....

2006-08-22T20:37:00.001+01:00

I'm trying not to beat myself up over slacking off with my practices. Not being consistent with meditation even though I feel calmer when I do. I also forget to do those daily practices such as observing my behaviour and judgments, etc. I've got all the Quiet Mind podcasts on CD in my car and since I spend at least 5 hours a week driving alone in my car it's an ideal time to listen to them again. It's easier to stay focused when I listen to them. I've also downloaded lots of Zencasts to listen to in the car. Right now I'm reading a Thich Nhat Hanh book about mindfulness and have a pile more of his books and others to read.

Two trips are coming up in the next few months and I'm letting myself be distracted by these as well as doing extra workouts and dieting in order to lose weight.

Going to meditate now.

A new meditation area

2006-08-06T15:50:00.000+01:00

I've moved my meditation area to a different room and I've also made in the same room a quiet reading area for the books on Buddhism I've got waiting to be read, and the new ones I've ordered. I'll be away from the computer and the tv.

A few thoughts...

2006-07-26T20:28:00.000+01:00

Began meditating again yesterday. I feel so much better - focused, calm, less irritable - when I meditate regularly.

I re-listened to some good podcasts which always gets me going in the right direction again. One mentioned that when we are fearful (or worrying) we are not being mindful, not living in the moment. We are wasting time, missing out, not living when we do this. I've realized that as a fearful worrier all my life that I've wasted years and years of my life! It's difficult to remember to be in the present at all times, but it's a goal worth trying for.

Right.....get back on track!

2006-07-22T19:49:00.000+01:00

Been on a 3 week holiday. Perfect opportunity to practice mindfulness or observing my behaviour and reactions and judgments. But.....

There were a few times when I remembered to stop and think 'I am walking through the streets of Paris' or 'I am tasting this or that and thoroughly enjoying it'.... simply being in the moment. Should have done it more often! But I didn't, so I'll just start fresh again.

Been a bit off track.....

2006-06-19T22:00:00.000+01:00

I've been letting other things come first when I shouldn't. I really have no excuse.....I don't even work full-time or have kids at home. My nature is undisciplined and I shouldn't condemn myself for it but it's hard not to. I've been busy with long hikes, guests, planning an upcoming holiday(s). But there really is no excuse not to meditate at least once a day. I feel better and more focused when I do. I enjoy meditating but sometimes I look at it like a chore...or more like something that will pull me away from the internet or tv.

Just need to get back on track. I've got a zillion podcasts to listen to, books to read...etc. Did some walking meditation with friends over the weekend and we all found it very calming. Will also have to find a way to meditate while on a 3 week holiday, even if not in the proper posture.

Which tradition of Buddhism?

2006-05-27T10:25:00.000+01:00

I've been wondering since I still don't know enough about each tradition of Buddhism if I'd been thinking I was following Zen when I wasn't. The monk at the abbey last weekend thought the podcasts I listen to and find so helpful weren't Zen. As far as I can find there are two schools of Zen, but at this point I don't care. It is possible to be an independent Zennist. Certainly Thich Nhat Hanh is not either of these schools. His path, from the opinions I've read, is his own type of Zen - Vietnamese mixed with other philisopies as well as Engaged Buddhism. His focus on mindfulness is what draws me the most.

So, I posted this query to E-Sangha and the opinions were basically the same. Don't worry about whether what I'm doing is specific to a certain tradition. Most people start out with Zen. Just go with what I'm doing now, but instead of sticking with Zen only books, look a bit into the other traditions. I'm comfortable now with Zen terms and meditation. I don't care what brand of belief system the podcasts are...I've found them extremely helpful and will continue to listen to and practice what is taught.

Years ago I thought about coming up with my religion....just choosing what I find is right for me and following it, no matter what belief system it came from. The person insisted I couldn't do that. Well....why the hell not? I don't intend to do that now, but I'm likely to not follow any specific branch to the letter. Of course it will be Buddhist because I see how right the basics feel to me.

Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey

2006-05-21T22:39:00.000+01:00

Returned from my first retreat this evening. It was well worth the trip. Even though I usually feel anxious in a new type of environment and being with many people I've never met, I gained much through this visit. The retreat is the introductory one - from late afternoon on Friday to after lunch on Sunday.

There were 19 of us of various ages attending. As I expected from the type of people who would attend a Buddhist retreat, all... emm..well almost all... were quite friendly and open.

The schedules were quite full which I found exhausting, but there was always time to have a cuppa tea and a stroll around the lovely grounds. Included in the weekend was meditation instruction and many sessions of meditation, help with finding the right posture for meditation, walking meditation, lectures, discussion sessions with tea and biscuits, working meditation (with various chores), attending services with the monks and novices, spiritual counseling if desired.

Meals were fabulous vegetarian fare! Our dinner Friday night was social (talking allowed) and our last meal - Sunday lunch - was also social. The rest of the meals were silent and very mindful. I quite enjoyed bowing....bowing to the food, to each other, to the altars, in the ceremony hall to the cosmic Buddha... Something very centering about stopping to bow....

I was quite pleased that we had our own cupboards for our belongings including one in the bathroom. We all slept in the big ceremony hall with a curtain down the middle dividing the men and women. Not bad except that the fold up 'mattress' we used was a bit narrow and short so that rolling over or spreading out was a challenge. The 6 am rising wasn't as torturous as I expected it to be and both mornings I was up 5 or 10 minutes before 6 to get a bit of a head start (but then so were most of us!)

An unusual thing I noticed was that many of the people there looked 'familiar' to me...like I'd seen them before, which I knew I hadn't. Some of the monks, many of the participants looked like someone I'd seen before. I'm sure there's some deep meaning in there somewhere about us all being interconnected, but I can't explain it.

I benefited from this retreat by receiving confirmation that I'm going in the right direction, by finding the right meditation posture and technique for myself, by finding out that a retreat a couple of times a year is fine...that regular attendance at a sangha or meditation group is helpful but not mandatory in order for me to make progress. I feel more focused now and am determined that nothing will stop me from meditating every single day, even if only for a short time.

My first retreat

2006-05-18T16:30:00.000+01:00

Heading to Throssel Hole Zen Buddhist Abbey for the weekend for the introductory retreat. Can I get up at 6am and can I keep my gob closed for extended periods of time?

http://www.throssel.org.uk/

Bad karma?

2006-05-14T17:16:00.000+01:00

I'm wondering about this concept of karma. Am I being denied inner peace because of bad karma? Because of bad things I've done in my life? Am I now being repaid and is there a way to redeem myself? If reincarnation is true, I know I'm definitely on my first life because I certainly didn't get it right....well...not yet anyway. Buddhists, however, have the concept of rebirth which is not the same as reincarnation as far as I can understand. Still a bit heavy for me and I'll look into deciphering this later. I'm still in nursery school here!

The movie Defending Your Life most certainly made me think. They used the concept of fear as to when you get to move forward and finish your earthly incarnations. When you prove yourself courageous, you move to heaven. Interesting.

(on a totally unrelated note....I've realized that if my gran was still alive she'd be 99 years old today).

Lapse

2006-05-08T20:54:00.000+01:00

Had too long a lapse in my meditation.... so easy to get off track. Anyway, last night I went to bed and fell asleep for a very short time. Then I awoke and it felt like I'd been injected with adrenalin! Tried deep slow breathing but it didn't help. Finally went to sleep after nearly two hours. I don't wake up refreshed very often.

Meditated this evening and will do my best to do so every single day. The retreat is a week from Friday.

What would Thich Nhat Hanh do??

2006-04-27T14:10:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when I'm complaining about someone hub will ask me 'what would Thich Nhat Hanh do or think'? It took awhile to make the connection, but I just remembered the ridiculous 'What Would Jesus Do' phenomenon in the US. So, should I start a 'What Would Thich Nhat Hanh Do?' bumper sticker and tshirt business?? (just kidding) But it actually is a good thing to remember when I'm having a hard time with something or someone. He just exudes peace and mindfulness!

The bus ride

2006-04-27T13:49:00.000+01:00

This morning I needed to take my car to the garage and leave it for the day. Instead of going into town with hub and having him drive me back home, I took the 40 minute bus trip back. After dropping off the car, I went to the gym for a long workout and good stretch, did a bit of shopping, had lunch, then caught the bus home. I hadn't been on the bus for several years. I began to read my book but found it too difficult with the bumpy roads, etc... Decided to just look at the scenery, homes and new lambs in the fields. The idea of taking the bus seemed like a chore to me and was surprised to find myself quite enjoying it. I really looked at what we were passing and sitting up higher meant I saw things I hadn't noticed before, at least not in a very long time.

I noticed the sparkles on the water when the sun peeked out, some homes I don't remember seeing before, and of course the new lambs. Looking across the water with many sailboats out and thinking what a lovely scene it was nearly took my breath away. As we went down my road which is nearly a 5 mile drive to our home after the turn off, I thought about how when I'm driving it I think about how much further I've got to go, how I wish I was home already, how I'm famished or desperately need a cup of tea. I often notice how pretty the scenery is, especially on a sunny day, but this was different. I looked at a row of houses and was able to see over the tops down to their gardens on the water and the house being rebuilt with the stone I like and I felt a rush of joy thinking 'this looks new to me...it's brand new' even though I saw it all every single day.

Carpe diem!!

Meditation positions

2006-04-26T21:02:00.000+01:00

I'm reading Taking the Path of Zen and it give descriptions and drawings of stretches which can be done to make meditation postures easier and to help one to be able to do the full lotus position - the most stable of all of them. So I'm going to work on those stretches. I find the seiza position quite comfortable, but I've never done it for more than about 10 minutes. The abbey where I'm going next month offers different options including the seiza bench which I'd like to try.

Making better use of my time....

2006-04-24T15:19:00.000+01:00

I spend far too much time on my expats forum. Much of that time is truly a waste spent on discussing topics that are of no importance whatsoever except to talk about our favourite topic - ourselves. I took a 3 week break when I was beginning to study Buddhism and felt I was spending my time in a much more constructive way. After the 3 weeks I got kind of itchy to find out what was going on with the folks there.

So I'm going to have to use some willpower and stay away from the forum - will try to do it for a month - then maybe go back and have very *limited* time on it. There are several babies about to born soon and I will ask one of the members to let me know via email how it's going regarding them.

More time meditating, more time reading, more time doing things mindfully. Walking meditation will be something I'll try soon.....possibly at the botanic garden.

Getting too distracted....

2006-04-23T13:14:00.000+01:00

by everyday stuff. I do remember sometimes to stop and be in the present. Usually I remember to slow down and be mindful when I find myself rushing through washing the dishes.

Do have some changes that have stuck...it's like there it someone over my shoulder reminding me to watch my behaviour and reactions to people. I forget and sometimes nag over nothing, but not as much as I used to. This reminds me, I still have a podcast to listen to....it's about daily life.

Oh...hubby bought me a Buddha statue.

Mindfulness

2006-04-13T23:04:00.000+01:00

I was trying to think of ways to remember to be mindful during the day.... I'm going to try to remember not to just ask myself 'what am I doing now', but to ask about each of my senses - what am I seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, tasting....